- You may not touch a woman who is menstruating or anything that she has touched or you will be considered unclean. On the 8th day after her period is over she must take 2 doves to the priest to be killed as an offering to cleanse her. Maybe he should just leave for a week then.
- Women should not speak in church. This was put into practice because men and women sat on opposite ends of the church from one another and sometimes a woman would call out to her husband during the services.
- Bastard children are not allowed in the presence of God. Damn... Sorry, I didn't mean to be born.
- Slaves should obey their masters. Do not only work while your master is watching you. Work always for this pleases the LORD your God. Abe Linclon had it all wrong. Slavery is ok!
- A woman is not allowed to dress like a man. And a man is not allowed to dress like a woman. To do so is an abomination. Better to get my skirts out of the back of the closet.
- If you are caught in the act of raping a woman, you must pay to the father of the girl who you raped 50 silver shekels. The girl must then marry the man who raped her and they are not allowed to divorce. And make him as miserable as possible for the rest of his life.
- While in war, if you take prisoners you must kill all male prisoners. If you see a beautiful woman among them. You can make her your wife. You must shave her head and allow her to morn the mother and father that she will not see again for one full month. After that you may have sex with her. If she does not please you sexually you can send her back. Normally return policies expire after 30 days!
- While at war, you must deffacate way from your camp. Take with you a shovel and cover everything up after you are done. Because God walks among your camp and if he sees any of it he will desert you. LMAO God doesn't want to step in poop guys, cover it up!
- Hebrew male slaves are to be released after 7 years of service. If in that time the slave has obtained a wife and she has bore him children. The wife and children must stay with the master and the male slave must leave them behind. If he decides that he wants to stay with his family then you must drive a stake through his ear and into the door so that he is marked as yours forever. Ha Ha! You're mine bitch!
- If you have a stubborn child who does not listen to you even after you have punished him. You must take him to the priest where he will be sentenced to die by stoning. I am really glad my parents didn't follow this one. Thanks mom and dad!
- You must kill any and all people who practice other religions. -_-
- You may not eat any animal that does not have a cloven hoof. You may only eat sea creatures who have fins and scales. Anything else is considered an abomination. You can eat insects that have joined legs only. But kitties are delicious!
- Do not cut the hair on the side of your head.
- Do not trim the edges of your beard. Mullets allowed only!
- Do not tattoo yourself. So I am going to hell for my Jesus fish tattoo then?
- Any many who has had his testicles crushed, or penis cut off may not enter into the house of God. Sucks for you John Bobbitt
- You may not wear clothing made of BOTH wool and linen together. Or polyester.
- If two men are fighting, and one of the men's wife steps in and stops the fight by grabbing her husband's assailant's testicles. Cut off her hand. Show her no pity. You are on your own Michael!
- Do not have sex with animals. Any man who has sex with an animal is to be put to death. Kill the animal as well. But Lassie didn't exactly ask for it!
- If a man marries a woman and on their wedding night she does not bleed from sexual intercourse.. she must be taken to her father's house and stoned to death. Sucks to not have a hymen huh.
This is simply something to think about next time you want to spout off at the mouth about something you read in the bible and know nothing about it.
~Trista
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